When I was but a wee lad, and my facial hair had not yet sprouted, I wrote a fun but grammatically atrocious story called "Happy Halloween!" Later down the road, when I was in high school (I then had more facial hair than I knew what to do with), I made another attempt at the marvelous story. It was much better the second time. When 2012 came around, I decided it was about time for a sequel: "Happy Halloween! 2." This story received high praise from numerous people, and it appears that it is quite enjoyable. Now, with Thanksgiving right around the corner, I have penned a new bit of hilarity: "The Day the Thanksgiving Turkey Ran Away," the third story in my Holiday Pentalogy. This work is, so far, the most serious of the three, but there are still many laughs to be found. I hope you enjoy it!
Prologue
Jonathan
Legcheese was like any average 15-year old boy.
He obsessed over the finer things in life, like holidays, girls, and toy
ponies (and a very special toy unicorn).
He enjoyed spending time with his wacky parents, his friend Stanley
Pharmacist (and Stanley’s pet goldfish, Dennis), and especially his spontaneous
and downright abnormal ex-girlfriend, Awana Humphfree. These were his only concerns until the
fateful day when he woke up on October 31st and realized that the
entire town of Vacaville had no idea that it was Halloween. After some thorough investigating, and some
advice from a disturbingly agile old lady who happened to know that it was
Halloween, Jonathan was compelled to make the 27-mile journey to an eerie
mansion overlooking the city. It was
there that he met the Man with the Green Toe, also known as Kory Labarga, an
old and renowned author. Kory explained
the dilemma that faced Vacaville and, potentially, all of humanity. One of the characters of his book had escaped
the literary world and, as a professor well-versed in the dark sciences, had
discovered a way to remove the memory of Halloween from the minds of the townspeople!
Professor
Aponowatsomidichloron, the
absurdly lengthy name of our story’s antagonist, planned to move forward from
Halloween and steal away the spirit of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and
beyond. Kory realized the full danger of
this threat. However, because of his
obsession with writing, and the frailty of his hips, he could not confront the
evil professor. He therefore charged
Jonathan with stopping him, and gave him six companions to aid him in his
quest. Pumpkin, Witch, Ghost, Frankenstein’s
monster, Bat, and Cat (benevolent characters from a story of Kory’s who had
also come to life) accompanied Jonathan on his long trek to a nearby mountain
range. Before they came to the
mountains, however, Jonathan went home to acquire a weapon that was unsurpassed
in its power, capability, and radiant splendor: a toy unicorn, aptly named Ms.
Unicorn. After Pumpkin also found a
sword to take along with him on the journey, and after they were joined by
Awana Humphfree, the group marched toward the mountains.
Because a story would be boring
without some kind of conflict between heroes, Pumpkin and Jonathan bantered
about leadership strategy and ability along the way. It seemed that, while Pumpkin respected
Kory’s choice of Jonathan to lead the expedition, he felt more qualified
because of his leadership role in past adventures. The most intelligent member of the group,
Frankenstein’s monster, recognized that the professor was likely using some
twisted science to create factional chaos within their group. They moved forward with the understanding
that Jonathan was to lead them, but Pumpkin agreed begrudgingly. In fact, when they reached Professor Apo’s
camp and stared into the cave in which he was obviously situated, Pumpkin burst
forward without consulting Jonathan and entered the darkness before them. Shortly thereafter, he fled from the mouth of
the cave and notified his group of the horrible things contained within.
Terrified, all but Frankenstein’s
monster dashed into the mountain and met with the professor. Jonathan charged at him, but ended his flight
and ran crying in the opposite direction when he saw zombies pouring out from
doorways within the cave. But before he
turned, he dropped Ms. Unicorn in a specific location in front of a bubbling
cauldron. A battle of epic proportions
ensued. It was like one of those battles
from The Lord of the Rings movies, but with Halloween characters and a
sniveling protagonist too afraid to face his foes. The Halloween friends and Awana fought well,
but were eventually outmatched; the professor had them dangling above a horde
of hungry zombies. It was then that
Frankenstein’s monster erupted into the room, killing everything in his path
and rescuing his friends. Jonathan found
the will to stand, and with every last ounce of courage, he raced toward the
professor with a mighty battle cry. He
pushed the wicked man with great strength, causing him to soar and step on Ms.
Unicorn. Jonathan landed and was not
harmed, but the professor lost his footing and fell over the rim of the
cauldron. He plunged into the sickly
orange liquid, and was gone (except for his ashes, which remained once the
cauldron was depleted of its contents).
Their source of power gone, all of
the items within the professor’s lab began to break and explode. The companions had a short conversation about
their victory, and then fled the cave as quickly as their legs would take
them. But before she left, Witch picked
up something from the ground and pocketed it with an upset look on her face. Later that evening, the group went
trick-or-treating in light of the fact that everyone in the town now remembered
that it was Halloween. But even as they
were filled with joy over their victory, the friends could not help but be a
bit disturbed. For while they were in
the cave with the professor, before the great battle had begun, he had sung a
troubling song:
Three
potions done, three more to come.
The end
is now in sight.
Halloween
gone, resurrection,
And
goodness turned to blight.
The
holidays shall fade away;
I’ll
burn them to their core.
In ash
they’ll lay, that none may say,
“Happy
‘this’” anymore.
A touch
of this, a dash of that.
My
potion’s almost done.
The day
of thanks will not be had;
I’ll
strip them of their fun.
And if
they seek and try to take
The
potions I’ve conceived,
They’ll
curse their fate, for two are safe
In the
hands of M.D.
What did these words mean? How did the agile old lady
maintain the knowledge that October 31st was Halloween, while
everyone else had forgotten? Who was M.D.? Why in the world am I asking you?
You haven’t even read the third story yet! Many answers lie ahead, so sit back,
grab a bucket of popcorn/anchovies/chimichangas, and enjoy the ride!
Chapter 1
Something in the Oven
Pumpkin was not
elated by any means to be in the Legcheese household on Thanksgiving. This was not due to the unmatched oddity of
Jonathan’s parents, nor the annoyance of Ghost’s presence in the house. Indeed, not even the grand pumpkin pie
gracing the massive dining table (likely to consist of some relative of his)
was the source of his melancholy. He
looked around the family room and saw that his friends wore expressions of
ineffable joy on their faces as they busied themselves with important tasks:
Jonathan and Awana, hula-hooping to techno music blaring from one of those
nearly extinct CD players, laughed
hysterically; Ghost, facing a midlife crisis or something, would disappear
suddenly and then reappear minutes later, scaring the bejesus out of his newest
victim; Stanley Pharmacist, whom you may recall from the first book of this
series, sat on a recliner in the corner, watching delightfully as his goldfish
(Dennis) swam around the fish bowl he held; Jonathan’s dad stood three feet in
front of the 96-inch TV, screaming at the football game and rooting for both
teams (and apparently another team that was not even playing); and Jonathan’s
mother sat on a couch near the kitchen (for she was preparing dinner for
everyone), playing an intense game of Battleship against herself. The cheerfulness permeating the air seemed to
bounce off Pumpkin, because his mind was on one thing: home. He and his storybook
allies had been on earth for about five years now, which was about five years longer than he had
desired. Sure, he had made some great
friends in his time on this planet. And
Kory’s mansion was open to all of the companions for as long as they were in
this world. But as grateful as Pumpkin
was that Kory had penned him into existence, the man was weird (to say the
least), and he often sang like a woman (when he was not speaking to
himself). Most significantly, however,
was the very fact that this planet, as welcoming as it has been thus far, would
never be their home.
Jonathan
approached Pumpkin, his hula-hoop still spiraling madly around his hips. “How now, sot? What’s bothering you?”
“Nothing is
bothering me, Jonathan,” Pumpkin lied.
“I’m great! Thanksgiving is such an odd and wonderful holiday!”
“Just because
you have a smile perpetually engraved in your face, it doesn’t mean you’re
always happy,” said the boy. “You can’t
fool me! Do you want me to throw away the pumpkin pie in the dining room?”
“No, leave
it. You guys can eat it; just don’t
expect me to engage in cannibalism.”
“Noted.” The
hula-hoop dropped from Jonathan’s hips, and he cursed the day he was born as
Awana emerged the victor of their 17-hour competition. “Ugh! Whatever. So Pumpkin, why aren’t the rest of your
buddies here again?”
“Well, Witch and
Frankenstein’s monster went on some mission.
Highly classified, you know. Bat
and Cat decided to spend the day with Kory, so he wouldn’t be alone on
Thanksgiving.”
Jonathan
nodded. “So you were just about to tell
me what’s bothering you.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
Pumpkin looked at the boy’s face. First,
he noticed a bit of peach fuzz above Jonathan’s lip (a huge improvement, since
he had assumed the boy would be stuck in his pre-puberty phase for
eternity). He also noticed that his
young friend was resolved to remain in place until he answered the question. “Fine! I’m just thinking about my home. My world.
I had hoped that stopping Professor Apo would magically teleport us back
to our home, but it did nothing of the sort.
Are we going to be stuck here forever?”
“Maybe,”
Jonathan replied, stroking his peach fuzz proudly. “But Ghost seems to be doing pretty
well. I mean, just look at him!”
At that moment,
Ghost appeared behind Stanley Pharmacist’s recliner and floated slowly above
the unsuspecting kid’s head. He then
yelled “Boo!” in his most intimidating voice, and both Stanley and his goldfish
screamed and began to weep. Ghost
chortled heartily and disappeared into the spirit world once more.
“Keep your eyeth
open, Dennith,” Stanley lisped, holding tightly to the fish bowl. “Necth time, I’ll punch him in the lointh
before he thuthpecth anything And then
we get turkey.”
“Yeah, he does seem to be having the time of his
life,” Pumpkin admitted. “But I know
Ghost much better than I ever wanted to, and he is doing this to help himself
cope. We all want to go back,
Jonathan. We prize our friendship with
you, but we don’t belong here.”
The boy nodded
slowly with understanding. “Then I guess
we’ll just have to find you a way home.
And we will, or my name isn’t Viggo Mortensen.”
“Thanks, buddy,”
said the squash, but he did not sound very convinced.
“You’ve been
here for a month, and you haven’t even talked about your world once. In fact, I just assumed you came from a
fictional version of this world. Ms.
Unicorn and I are very displeased. She
thinks you have some dark secret you don’t want me to know, but I think she’s
being a bit silly.”
“No, there’s no
secret. And I’m not really surprised you
thought we came from a fictional version of this world. I love Kory to death, but when I read some of
his old stuff, I can’t help but think that he couldn’t write to save his life.”
Pumpkin swayed left to right with laughter.
“He didn’t do a good job of describing our world in his old ‘Happy
Halloween’ story that he wrote as a boy.
But yeah, we come from somewhere else entirely. It’s a world called Armenor.”
No comments:
Post a Comment