Proverbs 31 Exposition--Verses 10 and 11

I will here begin an exposition of Proverbs 31:10-31.  I pray that this will be not only of spiritual benefit to myself, but also to other readers who happen upon it.  While it is directed at men searching for the right kind of wife, it may also prove useful to women who wish to go to the Word to find a model of godliness--and to emulate it.

A wife of noble character who can find?

    She is worth far more than rubies.

A woman (or a man, to be sure!) of honorable or moral character is difficult to find.  The fact that this couplet focuses on two main nouns is telling.  The point is to draw attention to the rarity of the virtuous woman.  If you decided you wanted a ruby, you couldn't expect to find one simply by walking outside and surveying the ground.  You would have to make an active decision to mine for it.  Rubies are found deep in the earth; likewise, a virtuous woman will be deep in God.  Once you find that ruby, you hold onto it because it is precious and rare.  And if you find the woman of noble character, you do everything you can to hold on to her.  But you also examine yourself and ask if you are as valuable as that rare ruby.

When someone mines, he or she will find all sorts of metal and stones.  But a ruby has a very distinct look, different from any rock near it.  Similarly, the honorable woman will stand out.  Do you as a man stand out? Are you loving, humble, kind, gentle, moral, faithful, patient, and attentive? Be someone of such character that a potential spouse (of comparable character) will not want to release you, because you are valuable.

Her husband has full confidence in her

    and lacks nothing of value.

The root word fide ("faith" in Latin) is couched within the word confidence.  The wife of noble character is someone you have faith in.  You believe in her.  She is trustworthy, showing time and time again that she will come through for you.  What is one way she inspires your confidence? As is so often true of Hebrew poetry and wisdom literature, the second line fleshes out the first.  "[He] lacks nothing of value." Surely this is not limited to (and the verse may not even be focusing on) materials.  Yes, physical blessings are great--and the woman who is attentive enough to observe a lack of some material in the man's life, and provide it, is to be lauded.  But "value" undoubtedly extends beyond the material plane.

I believe there are valuable things that, as long as they do not contradict Scripture, a wife can supply to her husband--and vice versa.  God created Adam, and even though the first man had beautiful proximity with his Creator, God declared, "It is not good for man to be alone." So he created Eve to be a helper to Adam.  What can a wife do to be a helper to her husband? Does the man desire to be respected, honored, cherished, served, listened to, encouraged, supported, and loved? A Christian man searching for the right woman should keep such qualities in mind when he is "mining for rubies," and be able to identify someone who possesses them.  But every bit as important is that he must pray to be a man who can respect, honor, cherish, serve, listen to, encourage, support, and love his future wife.

A husband can have confidence in a woman who always comes through for him.  But this "confidence" does not solely pertain to how she relates to him.  Due to her honorable nature, and therefore the way she relates to everyone, the man holds a high opinion of her.  He cannot help but praise her for who she is.  We will see this more clearly once we get to verse 28.

A woman of noble character will take some "digging" through the earth to find.  She is one-of-a-kind, inspiring confidence, and both ready and able to contribute things of value to the man she loves.

Little Brother

Little brother, I still don't know why God took you.  Maybe that is never for me to know.  I'm not sure it'll be revealed to me in heaven, either.  You tried to exit this world several times.  Yes, I remember.  You took all those pills and, after recovering, said you would never do anything like it again.  You took my truck in the middle of the night and drove it into a rail.  I'm sure there were other times that I don't know about.  You tried again and again, but God kept you around a little longer.  Was that so we could get a little extra time with you? Was it a missed opportunity for me to reach out despite your bellicosity and continue sharing my faith?

You were unhappy, I know.  It was so very obvious.  You confronted frustration after frustration, and nothing ever seemed to go right.  Your friends came and went; you hated going to school; you were traumatized after getting jumped; those girls broke your heart; you didn't get along with your family all the time.  You were overwhelmed.  If Christ hadn't changed my life, I am fairly certain I would have done the same thing.  Heck, even as a Christian I have moments of similar dark thoughts.

We live a sin-stained life in a sin-stained world.  People fail us constantly, and it is so hard to take.  I'm sorry that I failed you by not being more available to you.  I was in my own world, guilty of the very wrong I highlighted in the science fiction story "Reversion" I wrote six years ago.  Each of us is in his own bubble, busy with his own thoughts, tempted to separate from community and not willing to get involved in others' struggles.  I should have left my bubble and shown you more kindness and attention.

But my hope is that God showed you the kindness and attention that I did not.  I believe that He had mercy on you, for you knew not what you were doing.  You were young and had hundreds of discouraging thoughts dancing in your mind.

I don't know if I ever told you this, but the first time I held you in my arms after you were born, I was so excited that I went straight home from the hospital and wrote a story about you.  You were a hero who went on adventures and "saved the day." Just like Luke Skywalker....That was where you got your name, after all.

I love you, little brother.  And I will keep believing that I will see you again.

Thought of the Day

Isn't it interesting that God said, "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18) in an era when He was present with Adam? One chapter later, we are told that God walked in the Garden (Genesis 3:8)--so surely He could have manifested physically to spend time with the first man.  Even so, He recognized that Adam lacked a companion who was fitting for him.  None of the animals fit the bill, nor did God consider Himself to be Adam's helper...at least, not in the way He created Eve to be.

Adam was not alone.  He had his Father.  But one of the things that this passage of Genesis highlights is man's "aloneness" when he is without the woman God made for him.  Of course men are to put God first...but no one should frown upon a godly man who is seeking his wife.  He is complete in Christ and a new creation, but there is still a sense of something missing until God brings him the one who is fitting for him.

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing." (Proverbs 18:22)

Choosing To Love

This afternoon, I had the pleasure and privilege of sitting down with a couple whom I consider "spiritual parents." We discussed the topic of love, particularly what qualifies as love and what does not.
"In this generation," I reflected, "people will leave others because they don't feel a certain way.  Whether that's butterflies, or goosebumps, or some internal roller-coaster feeling in the stomach, if they don't feel it, they don't think they are in love."
The woman shook her head with a vigorous motion.  "That's because most people today are mistaken in thinking that love is a feeling.  It's not.  You can't trust feelings; they're always rising and falling."
"Yeah," the man agreed.  He gestured to his wife.  "Believe me.  You think she would be with me if she trusted her feelings? I guarantee she wouldn't."
She laughed and approached him, pretending that she was going to smack him on the back of the neck.  "Love is work," she declared.  "I get why all those feelings are so appealing, but that is Hollywood love.  It's not real, and it's not lasting."
I looked back and forth between the two, who have now been married for thirty years.  Never separated.  The man has cancer, and one of their children weaves in and out of a prodigal lifestyle.  They are one of the godliest couples I have ever known...but could they really be right in saying that love is not a feeling?

Later that evening, I decided to ask Google.  The first result was a brief article from bible.org, written by Dr. M Scott Peck.  I have included it below:

Sacrificial love has transforming power. Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. It [sic] is, so much the better; but if it isn’t, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised.

Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, “I feel like loving you, but I am not going to.” My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision.  https://bible.org/illustration/love-not-feeling

This article prompted me to ask a question: why did God love Israel? Why did He pick them out of all the other nations of the earth? Were they smarter than the other peoples? More attractive? Did they have a better understanding of His nature? Were they taller? Better at loving? Less sinful? Superior warriors?

I recalled that a college professor of mine had posed a similar question to her class during one session: "Why did God choose Israel?" There was silence in the classroom.  I'm pretty sure I heard a cricket chirp in that moment.  She shrugged and answered her own question: "Because if He was going to choose a nation, He had to choose someone."

This is not to say that we should not be wise in selecting a spouse; nor am I disregarding eros, the physical attraction that generally brings about the potential male and female relationship in the first place.  But if someone has the qualities we are seeking, should we not be willing to make a commitment to love that person? Even if we don't get the butterflies, the goosebumps, or the roller-coaster feeling, would it not behoove us to focus our capacity to love on the one who has what we desire?

Asilomar

Dawn ignited the sky
And your eyes contained its fire
As we sat on the beach,
My arms around you.

The water lapped against cold shores
And mists danced to the sound
Of my acoustic guitar,
The ocean and our voices a choir.

Singing "Oceans" before the ocean,
Awe flooded you as you realized
There are few women in this world
Who worship on cold shores with their men.

The waters lift their voices still,
And I will join them
Alone.

The Date

Cranberry juice and wine
A warm blanket beneath the stars
Chocolates and cuddling, jumping and falling
The perfect evening, one of many
But never enough

I Love You

This expression has become the cheapest cluster of words in today's society.  All it takes is a few dashes of the fingers against the phone screen, and you have successfully relayed a message that, sixty years ago, was scarcely said to anyone outside of one's romantic interest or nuclear family.  Now it is thrown around in the most vulgar fashion, no longer on a pedestal but only slightly elevated above "Hello" and "Thank you."

Sometimes I watch 90s shows, and I note that these couples will spend several seasons dating and developing a deep bond before saying those once-sublime words.  And when they finally say them? Oh man.  Something major changes.  It is comparable to coming to the top of a hill in second gear and descending the other side in third.  It is not vastly different from water, long contained, finally undammed and permitted to expand into new territory.  A generation ago, it caused a gasp in the audience.

Now a girl will know a guy two months and text him, "I love you" because inside, she believes she feels it.  She looks at this man and thinks, "He is everything I want.  He is so kind to me, such a good listener, so sweet, so thoughtful, so attentive, so funny, so attractive, so godly....I have to text him! I have to see him today! I have to tell my friends and coworkers about him! I love him!"

Four months later, she sits down with that same man and says, "You're everything I want, but I never fell in love with you."

What?

Really?

Here is something to consider: being "in love," whatever that means in this modern over-Disneyfied generation, will not be sufficient when you need to push your 85-year-old spouse around in a wheelchair because he no longer has the strength to walk.  Being "in love" will not be enough to clean the sheets when your spouse has wet the bed again.  Being "in love" will not be enough when you have suffered so much loss and pain that you just want to die, and you desire your spouse's comfort.

No, "being in love" is a sham.  It's a whirlwind of feelings that you get at the beginning, when that person seems so flawless and takes your breath away.  It's fun and feels good, but it's not going to be there forever.

And anyway, would you rather have a relationship predicated on a whirlwind of feelings or on the Word of God? Because when I read the Word, I see love as constant sacrifice of oneself for the good of another.  I see Jesus' life marked by service to the ones He loved.  I see His gentleness, kindness, and patience with the objects of His affection.

No, dear, you were in love.  But when things got tough and what remained was the muck, the mire, the struggle, and the daily grit, the sense of awe that you had after two months was suddenly lulled to sleep.  The "feeling" aspect of love took a hiatus, and you were left with the "doing" side of it.  Your problem is not that you never fell in love; it's that you do not know how to "do" love.  And that isn't your fault.

But it is your fault that you played with those sacred words when it was not your right to do so.  You spoke them into existence when you did not have the substance within to ground them.  Your love has a shallow root and cannot stand when the winds of trial blow.

Learn how to love.  Learn that love is sacrifice, kindness, respect, and patience.  Once you have figured that out, those words will be yours to use once again.

And this time, you will mean them.