"In this generation," I reflected, "people will leave others because they don't feel a certain way. Whether that's butterflies, or goosebumps, or some internal roller-coaster feeling in the stomach, if they don't feel it, they don't think they are in love."
The woman shook her head with a vigorous motion. "That's because most people today are mistaken in thinking that love is a feeling. It's not. You can't trust feelings; they're always rising and falling."
"Yeah," the man agreed. He gestured to his wife. "Believe me. You think she would be with me if she trusted her feelings? I guarantee she wouldn't."
She laughed and approached him, pretending that she was going to smack him on the back of the neck. "Love is work," she declared. "I get why all those feelings are so appealing, but that is Hollywood love. It's not real, and it's not lasting."
I looked back and forth between the two, who have now been married for thirty years. Never separated. The man has cancer, and one of their children weaves in and out of a prodigal lifestyle. They are one of the godliest couples I have ever known...but could they really be right in saying that love is not a feeling?
Later that evening, I decided to ask Google. The first result was a brief article from bible.org, written by Dr. M Scott Peck. I have included it below:
Sacrificial love has transforming power. Genuine love is
volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of
a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or
not the loving feeling is present. It [sic] is, so much the better; but if it isn’t,
the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised.
Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a
loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who
strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be
destructive to my marriage to have an affair, I will say vocally or in the
silence of my heart, “I feel like loving you, but I am not going to.” My
feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore
must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to
direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
It is a committed, thoughtful decision.
This article prompted me to ask a question: why did God love Israel? Why did He pick them out of all the other nations of the earth? Were they smarter than the other peoples? More attractive? Did they have a better understanding of His nature? Were they taller? Better at loving? Less sinful? Superior warriors?
I recalled that a college professor of mine had posed a similar question to her class during one session: "Why did God choose Israel?" There was silence in the classroom. I'm pretty sure I heard a cricket chirp in that moment. She shrugged and answered her own question: "Because if He was going to choose a nation, He had to choose someone."
This is not to say that we should not be wise in selecting a spouse; nor am I disregarding eros, the physical attraction that generally brings about the potential male and female relationship in the first place. But if someone has the qualities we are seeking, should we not be willing to make a commitment to love that person? Even if we don't get the butterflies, the goosebumps, or the roller-coaster feeling, would it not behoove us to focus our capacity to love on the one who has what we desire?
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